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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26123869">My Dear John</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/arc3es/pseuds/arc3es'>arc3es</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hamilton - Miranda</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alexander Hamilton - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Historical References, I have no idea how to tag stuff, John Laurens - Freeform, Lams - Freeform, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:33:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,937</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26123869</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/arc3es/pseuds/arc3es</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“My dear John,” he pronounced every word with great care—almost as if he was reciting a letter. “It might be in my power, by actions rather than words, to convince you that I love you.” </p><p>Oneshot Lams confession AU in a modern setting.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>47</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>My Dear John</h2></a>
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    <p>“Why do you keep avoiding me, John?” Alex sounded angry. “I don’t understand, have I done something wrong?” There was a hint of hurt in his beautiful brown eyes... <em>Goddammit, I need to get my shit together and stop thinking like this.<em></em></em></p><p>
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    <em>“No, it’s not you. It’s just…,” John stuttered. He rubbed his neck with his right hand. Why did he have to be so bad with words? How was he supposed to get out of this situation without exposing himself or hurting Alex?</em>
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    <em>John felt like such a mess. Of all the people he could’ve had these pestering feelings for it had to be his best friend. It’s obvious that Alex only sees him as a friend. Although, it didn’t matter how much he tried to convince himself. It still hurt knowing that his love would never be mutual. John looked down on the floor while his hands started fidgeting nervously.</em>
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    <em>“What is it? Please talk to me, John. Whatever you have on your mind you know you can talk to me. I can see that something is bothering you and has been for a good while.” He sounded more concerned than angry now.</em>
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    <em>Alex took a step closer to him and put a comforting hand on John’s left arm. The unexpected touch of Alex’s warm hand on his upper arm—even with a thick hoodie on—sent shivers through his whole body. He jerked up his head and moved his gaze to meet Alex’s eyes. <em>Damn it, Alex. Why do you do this to me?<em></em></em></em>
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        <em>His brilliant, brown eyes—which usually sparked with intelligence and passion—were now filled with worry. He tried to look away but it was impossible. John was trapped there on the spot like he was under some sort of spell, unable to tear himself away from Alex’s mesmerizing gaze. </em>
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        <em>John hadn’t noticed before but his hands had stopped fidgeting and he was now standing still as a statue. Suddenly he realized how close they were. He was used to Alex being friendly and overall very physical in his affections. However, that didn’t stop his traitorous heart from racing. They stood about three inches apart from each other, Alex’s head in height with John’s eyes. His short height was usually made up by with his not-so-small personality. It was impossible for him to go unnoticed. Mostly since he talked non-stop and made sure to make himself heard.</em>
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        <em>“Is it because I never have time to hang out with you or the other guys anymore? I’m sorry for being so occupied with work lately.” He fell quiet for a second and then frowned at his own words. “Well, I’ve always been this busy with work.” Alex sighed deeply. “However, I’ve been more distant lately.” He put his other hand on John’s right shoulder.</em>
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        <em>John got more and more frustrated as Alex continued to ramble about blaming himself and feeling guilty. <em>God, can’t he just shut up for once?<em> Alex absent mindedly stroked his thumb over John’s upper arm while his gaze was wandering around on the wooden floor. John couldn’t help to carefully study his face. He was familiar with every angle and line after the years of secretly observing his best friend. John hated how distressed and anxious Alex looked. Every time he made that sad face, all John wanted to was to make him smile again. He wanted to wipe away that unhappy look in his eyes and replace it with sparkles of laughter. </em></em></em>
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            <em>Why couldn’t Alex shut up and let John think in peace? The sound of his alluring voice and constant warm touch of his hands made John unable to focus on his own thoughts. Alex usually had this effect on him. His thoughts would always get all mixed up and jumbled whenever he was close. But this was worse than usual. Everything was whirling around inside his head and he felt like he was on the edge of panicking. </em>
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            <em>“Jackie…,” Alex whispered softly. “Are you listening?”</em>
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            <em>“I—I can't tell you. I don’t know how to explain and—“ A lump started to form in the base of his throat while tears of frustration dimmed his view. He couldn’t get out a single word. John shakily clutched his fits.The panic was creeping up on him. He studied Alex’s lips in an attempt to avoid his gaze which was now trying to lock eyes with John’s. He was close to breaking down and bursting into tears.</em>
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            <em>“Try, please. I’ll do what I can to help you with whatever it is,” Alex said and slowly moved his hand from John’s shoulder to place it on the side of his face. <em>Goddammit, Alex.<em> It was too much for John to handle at the same time. His mind was racing and like in a trance he placed his hands on both sides of Alex’s face, tilted it up and leaned in. Alex’s rambling was abruptly cut off. It felt like John’s mind had separated itself from his body and was now floating around, watching his body act like in a dream. He no longer held any power over his own body, all he could do was to helplessly watch it act on its own initiative from afar. </em></em></em>
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                <em>The kiss only lasted for a second before he quickly broke it. He had simply let his lips lightly brush his dear friend’s—too quick for Alex to react. Still in a dreamlike mode he let his hands slide down Alex’s cheeks and lightly cup his face before letting them fall down. In those few seconds Alex hadn’t moved or said a single word. For once in his life he was completely silent. </em>
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                <em>John’s racing mind finally caught up with his body and he felt his cheeks flush red. His heartbeats felt like a beating drum in his chest. He could hear his blood rush in his ears. The realization hit him as a punch in the face. <em>Holy fuck, what did I just do?<em> Alex was petrified. He stared at John in shock, still with his hands on his arm and shoulder. </em></em></em>
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                    <em>John staggered away a couple of steps not sure of what to say or do. Alex’s hands stayed in the air as if he was trying to grab something invisible before they slowly fell back down.</em>
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                    <em>“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I—I didn’t think clearly,” he stammered. “God, I’m so stupid!” He dragged a hand over his face before covering it with both of them. John had thrown a quick glance at Alex’s face but he was unable to read his facial expression. He had looked so surprised with his eyes wide, full of mixed emotions and his lips slightly parted in a small “o”.</em>
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                    <em>“I should’ve told you, I know,” he whispered in his hands while trying to find the right words. He took a breath and continued. “You’re the closest friend I got, Alex. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.” </em>
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                    <em>Why did John always have to mess everything up? He felt his eyes once again fill up with frustrated tears. Geez, did he have to cry as well? He’d never felt this much of a mess before—and that said something about him because John was a total mess on a daily basis. What did Alex think of him now?</em>
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                    <em>John heard Alex take a step towards him and then another one until they were standing close to each other again. He felt Alex gently put his hands on John’s and slowly pulled them away from his face. John couldn’t make himself look Alex straight in the eye so he simply lowered his head and focused his gaze on the floor. Alex let go of his hands and put a resting hand on John’s shoulder while the other one wiped away a tear from his face. The small touch made him shudder. He cursed at himself in his mind for reacting like that.</em>
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                    <em>Why was Alex being so nice and comforting? John wanted him to yell at him. He wanted Alex to call him out for doing something like that. For being so stupid to ever think that Alex would return those feelings. It wasn’t like he couldn’t get anymore hurt or broken than he already was. <em>Just get it over with.<em> John had imagined himself confessing to his best friends a lot of times. Most of them ended in rejection. He knew what would come—or at least he thought so.</em></em></em>
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                        <em>“Please don’t cry,” Alex said. He sounded so hesitant and uncertain. “Look at me, John.”</em>
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                        <em>As miserable and pathetic as he was, he obeyed. John had always been weak for Alex’s charismatic and deep voice. He lifted his head up and quickly glanced down on Alex’s face before focusing his gaze somewhere behind his shoulder on the wallpapered living room wall. Alex took a deep breath like he was going to say something but whatever it was faltered away. He sloped with his shoulders and let out a tired sigh.</em>
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                        <em>“Just out with it.” All John wanted was for this horrible moment to end. “Don’t drag it out so much. It’s not like it matter anyways. It was just a stupid thing and I should’ve just backed off and forgotten about it a long time ago. No one could be as naive and stupid as me to think that these feelings would ever be mutual.” He let out a short humorless laugh.</em>
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                        <em>“Oh, John…” Alex began. <em>Here it comes, the rejection.<em> He steeled himself for what Alex was going to say. John tried to collect himself and put on a poker face. He didn’t want Alex to see how hurt and broken he was.</em></em></em>
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                            <em>“I do really like you a lot—,“ he started.</em>
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                            <em>“But, just as friends,” John interrupted sounding more bittersweet than he intended.</em>
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                            <em>“No, that was not what I was going to say,” Alex said, irritation rising in his voice.</em>
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                            <em>“Oh, really?” He crossed his arms.</em>
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                            <em>“Geez, can you just listen for once?”</em>
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                            <em>“Just get it over with,” he snapped back. Alex removed one of his hands from John’s shoulder and pinched the bridge of his nose. He took a deep breath as if he was trying very hard not to snap back. John finally focused on Alex’s face again, determined to face whatever might come with his head held high. He almost jerked back when he saw Alex’s face. John had pictured a cold or angry stare but instead he was faced with two pretty, brown eyes, full of warmth and determination. He desperately tried to collect himself after being caught so off-guard. John couldn’t let his guard down, especially not now. That would only result in him getting more hurt. </em>
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                            <em>He felt Alex lightly squeeze his shoulders lightly before saying:<br/>
“I wish, my dear John,” he pronounced every word with great care—almost as if he was reciting a letter. “It might be in my power, by action rather than words, to convince you that I love you.” </em>
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                            <em>Before his brain had any chance to process what had just been said, Alex confidently put a hand on John’s cheek and leaned up to place a gentle kiss on his lips. The kiss was so unexpected that he didn’t even think of returning it. His body turned stiff, his crossed arms now hanging floppy down his sides before one of them instinctively reached up and held onto one of Alex’s arms. John melted into the warmth of Alex’s lips. The kiss lasted for just a few seconds, yet it felt like they’d been standing there for an eternity when Alex broke the kiss. It was John’s turn to be speechless. <em>What the fuck did just happen?<em> was all he could think.</em></em></em>
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                                <em>“Do you believe me now?” Alex said with a smirk. John’s mind was slowly processing the last few seconds. He wanted to both laugh and cry at the same time. His mind was still spinning around in his head and he felt dizzy and light-headed. John wanted to reply with something catchy and witty but all he managed to say was: “Holy shit.” Alex chuckled, still holding one hand on the side of John’s face. </em>
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                                <em>“You should see your own face right now, you look absolutely adorable.” Alex smiled and John felt his heart make a big jump. He drew in a short breath and then threw his arms around Alex. He felt Alex hug him back tightly. He ignored the tears—this time happy ones—running down his cheeks. They stood like that, embracing each other, for a long while.</em>
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                                <em>John rested his head on Alex’s shoulder, gently nuzzling his nose in the base of his neck. He breathed in his friend’s familiar scent; a mix of coffee and the vague scent of book pages. It was indeed a quite particular scent, but John couldn’t imagine any better scent in the world. Alex’s soothing scent calmed him down which made it easier for him to form proper words and sentences of his spinning thoughts.</em>
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                                <em>“To be honest… I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember. Right after we met you back then I was like: ‘Woah, this dude’s hot.’” Alex chuckled at John’s words. “I didn’t think much of it at that point. Although, later on when we became close friends I realized that what I felt for you was much bigger than an innocent crush. I tried my best to suppress and ignore those feelings. Firstly because I thought you were straight at that point.”</em>
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        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
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              <em>
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                  <em>
                    <em>
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                                <em>“That’s on me, I’m quite the lady-charmer,” Alex joked and played around with a loose strand of John’s hair which had fallen out from his ponytail. John rolled his eyes and smiled.</em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
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                                <em>“And secondly, I didn’t want to make anything weird between the two of us if I told you. Our friendship is more important to me than anything,” he continued. “Since then I’ve tried my best to get rid of the feelings. As you can see I failed miserably.” He sighed.</em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
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    </em>
  </em>
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  <em>
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                                <em>Alex carefully stroked his fingers over the back of John’s neck sending him shivers through his whole body. He felt how Alex gave up a deep sigh. “I feel bad for not noticing anything before. You’ve dealt with so much shit on your own while I was completely unaware of it. It’s all my fault.”</em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
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          </em>
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    </em>
  </em>
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                                <em>“No, don't say it like that, Alex.” John jerked away from Alex and looked him in the eyes. He took a firm grip on both of Alex’s arms.</em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
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                        </em>
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                    </em>
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              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
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      </em>
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  </em>
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                                <em>“But that’s the reason to why you’ve been avoiding me, right?” Alex sounded upset.</em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
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  </em>
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  <em>
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                                <em>“No—or well yes,” he looked away from Alex and took a deep breath trying to figure out what to say next. “Please don’t blame yourself. This is on me. I couldn’t really deal with my feelings in a good way and that made me push you away instead—which is totally unfair to you since you haven’t done anything to deserve that treatment.” He looked back at Alex. “I couldn’t bear being near you when I thought you’d never like me back in that way.” Alex put his right hand on John’s arm and gave it a soft squeeze. </em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
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                        </em>
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                </em>
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            </em>
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    </em>
  </em>
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                                <em>“I can’t help feeling guilty though,” Alex said. “It took me forever to realize that my feelings for you were way more than just friendly. I’m an oblivious idiot.” John smiled faintly.</em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
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                    </em>
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                </em>
              </em>
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                                <em>“Agreed. You’re oblivious about anything that isn’t work-related,” he teased half-heartedly.</em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
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                    </em>
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                                <em>“Hey!” John couldn’t help to grin at how cute Alex looked when he was offended, even if he was just messing around. He pouted, crossed his arms and gave John a defiant look. John couldn’t help to laugh at the face he made. He let go of his arms and Alex nudged him playfully on his arm.</em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
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                        </em>
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                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
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          </em>
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  </em>
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                                <em>“It’s true and you know it.” Alex rolled his eyes at John’s words. “I’m starting to question your sanity. I can’t believe how you did not notice anything. I’m a blushing and nervous wreck whenever I’m around you.”</em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
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                                <em>“Now when you mention it…” Alex chuckled. “How could I not notice?” He shook his head. John looked at Alex and smiled. It was hard for him to believe that all this was real after the years of convincing himself the opposite.</em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
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                </em>
              </em>
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                                <em>“May I kiss you again? This time with both parties being in a less state of um… shock,” Alex asked cautiously, sounding a bit uncertain. That was very unlike Alex who was always full of confidence, no matter what he talked about.</em>
                              </em>
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                          </em>
                        </em>
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                </em>
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                                <em>John blushed and instead of replying he took Alex by the back of his neck and leaned in for a third kiss. He felt like he could explode out of happiness when Alex returned it. At first both of them were a bit uncertain—which Alex quickly seemed to overcome as he threw his arms around John’s neck and pulled him closer. John gave up a little squeak in surprise. </em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
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                                <em>When they finally broke the kiss to catch their breath John distanced himself from Alex a bit to get a better view of his face. He pushed back a loop of hair from Alex’s face, tucked it behind his ear and smiled. </em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
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  </em>
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                                <em>“I love you too, Alex.” Alex gave John one of his breathtaking big smiles and took his hand in his. He put it to his lips and gave it a kiss. John couldn’t help to blush, being very unused to this kind of romantic gesture. </em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
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                    </em>
                  </em>
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                                <em>Alex then wrapped his arms around John’s neck and rested his forehead against his dearest John’s.</em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
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                                <em>“I’m glad.”</em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
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  </em><br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello there amazing person, thank you for reading! This is my first ever completed fanfiction. I really have no idea what I’m doing. I was (and still am) very anxious about posting this but my friend (you know who you are) made me do it—so here we are! Please take in account that English is not my first language. I couldn’t make the text anywhere near as colorful as I would’ve liked to :'0</p><p>Don’t ask me about how this modern au works—I’ve no idea. The fanfic itself came to be because I wanted to write my own version of a confession in a modern setting. My friend pointed out that I should include some environment descriptions so now they’re in a living room ig? xD Extra points to you if you can find all the musical references in the text.</p><p>Leave a comment and tell me what you think (please be gentle with me haha)! It doesn’t have to be more than a few words, anything would be awesome. I hope I managed to bring a smile to your face with this &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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